The tearful
woman across from me was struggling to understand why being a mother left
her feeling bad about herself. She asked me to recommend a parenting book
that she might find helpful. As a therapist I generally shy away from
recommending self help books, too often they leave the reader frustrated.
I decided to put my opinions aside and take a trip to a local bookstore.
I wandered over to the Parenting section to browse. I was assaulted by
the message conveyed by the titles, do more, be more. Reading these books
might offer some helpful hints, but the endless simple steps offered could
lead to feeling inadequate. What would it say about me if I bought Parenting
for Dummies? Perhaps I would leave I better impression if I purchased
I Refuse to Raise a Brat. Surely that would be a socially acceptable goal.
For instance Supernanny, Superimmunity and Phenomenal
Family by Dr. Phil make my point. My goodness, I thought most parents
would be thrilled to have regular, healthy and happy children. I learned
there is a Mommy Brain, a Mother Trip and most intriguing was Hip Momma
who I am sure would excel in Unconditional Parenting . I suspect she would
have read the Parents Tao Te Ching to help her accomplish her heightened
awareness. I felt sure she was a shoe in for Parenting with Love and Logic,
after all, she’d have to be a sensible person after all this reading.Well, then I got to the shelf that made it clear having
a perfect mother was not enough, Step up to the plate dad, get prepared
with Father to Daughter-Life Lessons in Raising a Girl and of course for
balance Father to Son- Life Lessons in Raising a Boy. Chicken Soup for
the Father & Daughter Soul, I had barely finished thinking about the
soul of a relationship when I glanced up and began considering the soul
of Expectant Mothers, of Fathers, Kids, Mothers, Parents and Grandparents.
This was getting exhausting.Why did these self help books cause me to feel so irritated?
The bar has been raised to unrealistic heights. We must rear Sensory Smart
children (and I did not even know what that meant), who areFinancially
Fit, Self-Reliant, Peaceful and accept Responsibility, also Raise Boys
with Emotional Intelligence and Girls with Mathematical Intelligence.
. As a parent you want to believe in your parenting skills and values
and trust doing your best to raise children will be enough. You can’t
constantly second guess yourself and feel the disapproving eyes of a myriad
of authors tsk, tsk, tsking at you. It is realistic to expect that sometimes
you will get stuck or unsure and this could be the occasion when a book
will help. If situations arise when you would benefit from additional
support, seek help from someone who will speak to YOU and does not increase
your feelings of insecurity. Our culture today offers little support for
normalcy, everything is super-sized. My advice for parents is to find
their own voice and their own values.
My goal is to help parents to say
“I know how to parent my children; I accept I am not perfect. Each
day I will strife to show love and kindness. I’m going home to relax
and enjoy my family and take some pressure off of us all.”Laney Kibel LCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice
in Portland. She has many years of experience working with adults and
children. Until recently, she was the clinical director at JFCS. laneykibel@hotmail.com
or (503) 781-3900
Click
To Return To Articles Page
|
